MIAMI, FL-- The day before yesterday, popular performer Nulch's
manager, Gideon Spurze, was beaten to death in a vicious mob attack
following Nulch's appearance on stage at the Lido Hotel Floorshow. The
reason given for this bloodthirsty lynching, according to participant
Jacob Simes: "Well, he [Spurze] came out on stage and shouted, 'GOD
DAMN NULCH!" and we immediately reacted. Nobody's going to get away
with damning our stage hero in God's name!"  Apparently, a
misunderstanding had taken place, as corroborated by witnesses watching
from backstage. Noah Curstein, a stage manager at the Lido Hotel Bar &
Lounge, and Rod Hines, Jr., a regular performer there on Friday
evenings, both put forth thestory that Spurze never meant any harm. It
would seem his shouting, "god damn" was for an unrelated cause-- he had
closely evaded slipping and falling on his ass. As he was on his way to
the stage, he announced the rabbit's appearance by shouting "Nulch!"
immediately following this curse (the existence of which curse he did
not know the audience was aware).  In the following riot, Spurze was
beaten repeatedly about the head and neck area with metal folding
chairs (the source of which is still being debated:-- all the chairs at 
the Lido are wooden dining-room furnishings); choked by five persons,
one after another; bludgeoned with tables, and stabbed with eating
utensils. In the fray, Nulch was deprived of his famous saxophone by an 
insensately infuriated fan, who used the poorly-played instrument to
smash in the head of the managerial personage. The saxophone was
utterly destroyed. The rage grew even unto the point that one
revenge-seeker actually lifted Nulch himself by the ears and slammed
him against Spurze's body for a whole minute before realizing what was
wrong with this picture. Pummeled continually and mercilessly for five
hours, Spurze was reduced, regrettably (but quite literally), to a
bloody pulp.  Nulch, disoriented and upset by the loss of his
saxophone, crawled into a corner and wept like a little girl for the
remainder of the night.  In a press conference the following day,
Nulch's new manager, Xavier Pogue, reported his intent to distribute
the remains of his predecessor to feed impoverished families in a
gesture of goodwill designed to regain the public trust of Nulch and
his entourage. Remorseful fans, sorrowful over the tragic loss of
Nulch's sax, collected funds and bought him a new one, but one which
was of even lesser quality than the one previous. Ironically, though,
this increase in the poorness of Nulch's music has only served to boost
his popularity further.  This riot was, of course, the worst since
legions of fans, chanting "Heil Nulch!", gunned and bombed one another
at Golden Gate Park, San Francisco, in an open war to decide whether
Nulch's cute ears, or his saxophone were his greatest characteristic.
In all, 5000 were crushed to death by crowds in this current Spurze
lynching, and 1000 beat to death, falsely accused of being
"anti-Nulch"; as compared to the 3000 lives lost to missiles and
strafing in the Battle of Golden Gate Park.  Rumors are surfacing that
two new factions of Nulch fanatics are forming to settle the question
of which of his ears is the cutest in a bloodbath sometime next year in
South Park, Colorado. all of our country's National Guard will be
deployed to this small Rocky Mountain hamlet until further notice.