THESE ARE THE DAVES I KNOW


ELLIE BARNES

Well, she is proof that my parties suck: here she is looking utterly morose at my first party... BECAUSE IT SUCKED!!! (I swear I tried to manipulate the photo so it looked like she was having a good time: but it was impossible because the party sucked!!!)


APRIL CHANEY

April Chaney. I hardly know her...........................................
I know that I used to think she looked like Juliet Man Ray, but now I know better. She gave me a black hair tie when she moved away. That is all.


ENRIQUE CHAVEZ

His hair is gampy. If you don't believe me... you were warned.


ELIZABETH HOEFNER

I swear upon my father's grave: she is the spitten imidge of the nymph in the Botticelli BIRTH OF VENUS! It's true!


JEAN MOORE



My sweet, beautiful girlfriend Jean. Inconsistently goddessizing, she is, quite possibly, the nicest dead person I've ever met.


wo ai ni!

MIKE WEITZ

He is the man! He has met Flamin' Jesus and befriended Him!


JAMES DEEMER

A dark and brooding sentience who inhabits a light and brooding body. He is mysterious in that he lambasts the "Ever-so-untalented Marilyn Manson", as he calls him, while wearing a black T-shirt featuring the logo and head of that selfsame anomaly. Hypocritical? No. Not at all...


RICHARD NUNLEY

He knows good and well that there is no such thing as Scotchtoberfest.


JORI WIEMER


She is among the saved and can therefore do no wrong. She is inimitable and unafraid. Usually.
This picture was taken when she was about ten or something. Now, even as she approaches adulthood, she still looks just the same!
Except her hair is much longer. That's it!


JOSHUA WORNHAM

Frightening in dignity and stature, he, like the manticore of fabled days of yore, possesses singularly plural rows of teeth. In his mouth. Oh, and recently he has taken on a surprising resemblance to Mike Borchardt from American Movie. That is all.


BRANDON DUCK

A true fan of South Park, as well as of Grumiň (of Cambridge Latin Course Unit One fame: that lovable cook with a heart of gruel gold), he will question any anatine comment with the incensed query "Is that a duck joke?!?"

MIMI DUCK

Tho' Millicent is no bad name, she goes by the moniker 'Mimi', which is no bad name either. Like her brother, she is a Duck. Not literally, but at heart.


FERNANDO MARIANI-COLÓN

In the exact words of Thomas Garner (see below), he is "the Fernando-like person." I mean, what else can I say? His name is not Francisco, Francesco, Francisca, Fernanda, Hernando, Gordita, Ferdinand, FernGully, Federico or Fred. What's wrong with you people?
Coming soon: a shocking picture of Fernando cuddling with a toy cuttlefish! *gasp*


THOMAS GARNER

I.R.A., I.R.A., I.R.A., Everyday. Truly, this is a sentiment worthy of Thomas' great Gaelic heritage. But the fun doesn't stop there! Oh ho! Oh no! It is also true that he has formed from the massy voids of space the exuberant forms of Bo-Bo the Flying Clown, Bob of the Green Monkey, Mr. Blister and Papperas Mudskipper. Tremble, O unworthies!


JUDITH BACON

Just as there may exist some misconceptions in the minds of the general public as regards the true form of Fernando's name (vide above-- huh-huh Latin's funny), Ms. Bacon's heritage may be in question.
The following are utterly unrelated (to all modern scientific knowledge) to Judy:
Judy Tenuta
Roger Bacon
Francis Bacon
Francis Bacon (the other one, too!)
Nathaniel Bacon
and,
of
course
,
Joey Joe-Joe Jr. Shabadoo (well, it's true, isn't it?)
But seriously-- Hail Judy, Queen of Bacon!


JAVIER VEGA

This dude is cool. He accepts the love of the Breast-Milk of Jesus into his heart, AND he has hair cool enuff to rival that of Henry in Eraserhead!


MR. DAN

Mr. Dan is one of those people who you will remember for the rest of your life. I may not recall him in 60 years, but there is no question that you will. He it was who founded the illustrious

CULT OF JOHNNY PANTYHOSE

(all hail johnny!) and was its FIRST GRAND PHOOBAH. When he graduated from High School, I was appointed new Grand Phoobah and I let the cult go down the crapper. But lo! There shall come one from the 11th grade who is like a daughter of man, whose hair is like wheat in the thresher and whose very teeth and eyes sparkle with the charm of a knowing pervert in the alley! She it is who shall inherit... THE SACRED CULT O' JOHNNY P!

By the way, have YOU joined the cult yet? Has Johnny P anointed you and named you pondscum?


CHEYENNE CLARK

My first compliment: she is an excellent artist.
My second compliment: she shall inherit the cult of Johnny Pantyhose once I move on from being its Grand Phoobah. (It is she who is our savior!)
My third compliment: it was she who helped me realize that literally *the* worst thing in the World is Bad Pornography.